Sunday, October 14, 2012

Cloudy Sundays

The purpose of this blog has confuzuled me for quite some time. And to be honest, I still don't know. I have not spoken to my parents in almost four months. I haven't been dating in over a month. My room is very messy right now, in case you wondered. I don't wish that these people who have removed themselves from my life - and those I removed - were back. But I do miss the constant guarantee of seeing people and having people actively take part in your life. I went to go get some food the other night while the roommate and the ex were out at dinner after a show, and I realized... I can't remember the last time someone called me on a Friday or Saturday night wanting to hang out. It made me sad. I like adventuring, but it's more fun with others. There are those that may read this and say I'm not trying, to them I say shut your fucking whore mouths. You aren't around me 24/7 so you have no idea what I do and you can just go jump off a bridge because you spend hang out time with him and this elite group of people, but you never invite me or talk to me about it and when I text you, you simply just don't respond. So yes, I've tried to make new friends, but it's not easy. I'm awkward and don't move easily through social circles, but I try. Normally the response is the same: silence. People say they like me, they think I'm cool and amazing, but they do nothing to spend time with me. This leads me to believe that people are either shallow and fake, that I'm really not that interesting, that I'm not trying hard enough, or that people just don't spend as much time thinking about and being concerned about other people like I do.. If this last one is true then that's just an incredibly sad world, and one I don't much like. It's so strange, because I enjoy what I'm doing with my life and this is what I'd like to go into and there are some social things with the actual work which is nice, but even there it seems like there is this elite group of people. This social hierarchy. I don't like that. I need to make friends with people outside of theatre world. People to get coffee with, go hiking, go on ikea adventures, watch movies, play video games, take places and experience things. I also need to realize that in general, people suck.

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